As I sit in Mass on Sundays, my eyes are often drawn to the beautiful sight of mothers with their infants, holding them close, swaying back and forth, or nursing them. The image of the mother and her child conjures feelings of peace, security, and harmony. As the mother gives of her body in order to carry the child in her womb and continues to sustain his life outside of the womb, she epitomizes self-giving love. Her love mirrors Our Lady’s love for her Son and for all of us, reminding us that we are loved unconditionally and always held under our heavenly Mother’s mantle of protection.
The mother-child dyad is a fascinating example of attachment and co-regulation, an area of child development that has long fascinated me. Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of the primary caregiver in helping shape the child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development by responding warmly and consistently to a child’s cues of distress and fulfilling his basic needs, such as hunger, sleep, warmth, touch, and love.
An infant, unable to sustain life on his own and possessing an immature nervous system, is wired to signal distress and to seek safety and connection with a caregiver. When a caregiver responds to the infant’s signals of distress in a nurturing and consistent way, the child feels safe, and his needs are met. His nervous system, in turn, regulates back down from distress to safety and connection. The child forms a secure attachment to his caregiver, which then lays the foundation for secure and healthy relationships with others and confident exploration of the world around him.
Mothers help regulate their children naturally, but it is not always easy. Some babies are born with especially sensitive nervous systems and high needs. Some mothers are busy caring for many small children at once. Some mothers work. Whatever the situation, I have found that in order to facilitate connection and co-regulation with my child, I must set aside time to care for myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. If I am able to keep my own nervous system in a state of balance, then I am better equipped to help regulate my child’s. It’s like giving myself oxygen first before giving it to my child on an airplane.
Prayer, journaling, deep breathing, exercise, walks out in nature, and hot baths are all great techniques that mothers can use to calm their own internal states. Co-regulation is about one calm, regulated nervous system signalling safety and connection, and helping to stabilize another’s distressed, dysregulated nervous system. A mother co-regulates by sharing her calm and steady presence with her child.
In the Early Learning Program at St. Benedict Classical Academy, we do a lot of co-regulating with the children. Maria Montessori herself emphasized the importance of the teacher being present with the children, moving carefully around the room, speaking softly, and exuding a calm that the children then mirror. When children become dysregulated at school, we try to find ways to help them calm down. Sometimes just wrapping a child in a blanket and taking deep breaths together helps that child calm down enough to be able to express his needs verbally. We may then try to assess whether he is hungry, tired, or sick, and address that need. We may also find alternate activities that help the child’s brain shift out of fight-or-flight and back into safety and connection mode, such as using playdough, building blocks, or helping a teacher with a chore.
In the end, the child responds best when he feels seen and connected to the caregiver. Just as a child finds peace and security in the calm presence of a loving caregiver, so too are we drawn towards the loving embrace of our Father in Heaven. When we rest in that love, we are able to return to our busy lives with greater peace, ready to offer that same sense of safety, patience, and care to children entrusted to us.
AUTHOR: Alana Keefe, Director of Early Learning
